She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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