sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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