Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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