It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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