i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
as a side note pls kill me
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
