so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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