i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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