Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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