there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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