I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
