I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
