so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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