the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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