I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
