please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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