Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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