So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
