i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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