He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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