Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
