I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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