Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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