And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
