I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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