Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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