youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
