Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
