im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
