I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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