so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
