butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Blow job season was short but glorious.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
