I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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