peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
