I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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