Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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