Four minutes until I can fart!
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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