I think I won the penis lottery.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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