Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
