i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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