If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.