It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles