If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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