Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
The beer is more important than you right now.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
