Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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