Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
