The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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