Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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