So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
