last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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