i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
not ubering you a puppy
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
