I wanna passion pit in your ass
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
