Umm I'm too high to move.
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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