Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
