if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Randomize
