I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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