if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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