i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
