So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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