I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
